Nine People You Should Have A Problem With In 2009
Because, for GGOA's new columnist Agent Orange, nothing says Christmas more than a list of people you should have nothing but contempt for in 2009. You're welcome.
1. The Director Of Merchandising At Omiya Ardija
Seriously, do you hate money? Your lack of ideas, dearth of quality goods and lack of stock on hand is thoroughly frustrating.
First off, why are all your sizes skewed towards 15-year-old girls? As I go to more and more games, I'm seeing an increase in my wide-bodied brethren NOT wearing Omiya merchandise. Why? Well, I'll tell you. No-one wants to see a rotund person in a skin-tight orange replica Denis Marques jersey, man-teats framed just right under a strained Lotto jersey, stretching the D and the X to the limit. I know, I've looked in the mirror before a game.
Second, why don't you sell away jerseys? Here's a hint. Around August, when no-one will buy S-sized jerseys because they are, y'know, adults, release the away jerseys. People will buy them because they WANT to give you money. No, it's true. People want to buy Ardija stuff. So make it easy for them.
Third, plain blue hat. Omiya shield, adult size, adjustable - not mesh. I'll take six.
Finally, Chikara Fujimoto bobbleheads = good! Mascot towels = bad! Give it a rest already.
2. The First-time Foreign Eurosnob Fan
Say you get an extra ticket for an Ardija game and you have a friend at work who happens to enjoy the beautiful game. You've had discussions in the past about the World Cup, European leagues and Champions League, etc. So you think to yourself, "Hey, it could be real cool to watch an Ardija game with this cat. Let's do it!" Bad idea.
You will spend the next ninety minutes listening to this "expert" ramble on about the low quality of football on display (I'm an Omiya fan, not blind, you moron). They will then proceed to tell you how poor your fans are, compared to the opposition. After that, they will ask you stupid questions about the league in general and then respond about how their Colaship team (Wankerton United or whatever backwater of bad teeth and effeminate personality they crawled out from) would put ten past the best J-League squad: the Urawa Antlers.
Then they will tell you that they are sooooooooo glad that they didn't pay for this garbage, because (pause for a swig of smuggled-in discount beer) it's only the best for them. Finally they will try to smooth everything over by saying thanks, even though the game was trash. Just give the ticket to a homeless guy. You'll have a better time.
3. Yosuke Kataoka
I have to go with Yosuke Kataoka as the player I am going to like the least this coming year. Maybe it's because he has the quick wits and acumen of a lemur. Maybe it's his undying urge to backpass, no matter what the situation. Maybe it's because he gets consistent playing time, even though he has the propensity to make truly stupid mistakes.
The one time I met him, he wasn't especially pleasant. Sure, he could've been having a bad day or broke up with his girlfriend or lost a pet. It doesn't matter. He should treat me with respect. I AM A BLOGGER AFTER ALL!
No, the reason I hate him is because the sexy bartender is a huge Kataoka fan and that pisses me off.
4. The Sexy Bartender At Omiya Hub
Why do you insist on being infatuated with that sub-human excuse for a midfielder, you temptress of the tap? It's because of his stomach muscles, isn't it? A guy masters eight-minute abs and you get all gushy in the knees. Seriously, one big stomach muscle is better than a ton of little ones. After all, what's better at a party, a six-pack or a keg?
5. The J-League Message Board Poster
Every year, some fool will pop off about how it's 100% certain that Omiya will be one of the teams to be relegated. During the year, another fool will pop off about how great it is that a big club (usually Urawa) beat Ardija because they are filled with overpaid internationals and they deserve to win... oh yeah, and that Omiya should be relegated.
Near the end of the year, more of these fools will pop off with absolute certainty that Omiya will be one of the teams that goes to J2 and joke about how great it will be for Omiya to play so and so because of a stupid reason that hilarious only to said idiot.
Finally, Omiya will survive and people will say they were very lucky to survive because the team that went down was much better and it wasn't deserved. Year Five of this garbage starts on March 7th.
6. The Cell Phone Guy
This one is pretty generic, but it happens all the time. I get to the game early, pick a secluded spot and wait for the game only for this guy to come at minute five and stand in front of me, yelling in his phone so the only thing I experience at the game is him. Oh yeah, usually he smells of BO, tobacco and those awful tuna mayo rice triangles. Same guy finds me on trains as well.
7. The Reds Fan
Not all of 'em (though let's not rule that idea out). I have one specific one in mind. There's a guy who comes to Omiya games clad in all Urawa gear. Dirty hat, old jersey and scarf. I'm not sure if his wife drags him to Omiya games or if he's just a cheeky old git, but I wish some kid would come up and pop him right in his red diamonds if you know what I mean.
8. Yuji Nakazawa of Omiya Ardija
It might be very unfair but after accepting a huge contract, you gotta expect the pressure to be on you. Anything short of a championship in some form or other and you will look like a bad signing. I also tend to worry about a guy who has a lot of miles on the clock and extra World Cup qualifiers ahead. A bit scary, if you ask me.